It’s gray outside, but realization is dawning on me. And it’s bright and warm and healing and life-giving.
I am enough. You are enough. And when you begin to believe that, you can accomplish anything in this world. Until you completely believe in yourself, you cannot possibly completely love yourself; you cannot live the life you are supposed to live to the fullest.
It’s taken me 58 years to believe in myself. It’s been a long, hard road. I’ve never felt like I was enough. But I am. And you are too. Don’t ever forget that. I was finally able to accept this concept yesterday, after a week of battling with demons that have plagued me over my lifetime.
Yesterday, I received word that I was accepted into the University at Buffalo School of Social Work Masters Degree Program. At 58 years old. Something inside of me blossomed and exploded, and the words my therapist and I had discussed last Thursday echoed in my mind. And I finally believed them.
I am enough.
I thought I’d learned that lesson throughout my life—by beating cancer three times. By getting my bachelor’s degree at 53 years old. By becoming a published romance author. By raising two amazing kids. By finding the love of my lifetime. By embracing the Pagan path of being a witch, and celebrating 14 years as a coven leader. By working with domestic violence offenders as they try to figure out how to heal and become better humans. By aiding victims as they learned how to become survivors and then finally, thrivers.
But last week, I was cut down to the quick with two sentences from a man I’d never met before in my life. To allow a strange man to have that kind of power over me was crippling. I questioned everything I was, everything I’d accomplished. Everything I’d become. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
My power was stolen from me last Friday – the day after my therapist helped me realize I AM ENOUGH — when a new doctor was reviewing my medical records and acknowledged my extreme history of successfully battling three separate types of cancer over a period of 35 years. That should have been testimony of my amazing journey and viewed as an unusual and amazing success. Instead, surprised, he asked with evident distain, “What did you do to upset the lord and cause all this? You’ve had a lot of trouble, are you not right with the lord?”
And just like that, he broke me. All the work I’d done throughout my life to make myself whole after all the abuse I’d experienced that destroyed my self-confidence and self-worth. All my successes, my life achievements vanished. After I left, I cried. I cried in the car. I cried on the way home. I cried all afternoon. I cried when David got home and held me, soothing me with his confidence in me, reminding me that I AM ENOUGH. I ranted, yelled, screamed. I reached out to a few friends who told me to let it go, that I had a right to be angry, and that this doctor’s narrowminded, entitled judgment had no power over me.
So, it took a couple of days, but I remembered how awesome I am, how beloved I am.
And then, two days later, I got a letter in the mail from a very “caring neighbor” who wanted to secure my salvation that Jesus had “ransomed” his life for me- by dying FOR ME! Yes, me.
It took me almost a full week, but I just finished a four-page reply to my caring neighbor, which I will be mailing out today.
I’m meeting with my therapist in an hour, and I’m pretty sure there will tears, yelling, and revelations. And hopefully, closure as I come to terms with the fact that yes, I am enough.
So for everyone out there, I’m sure mostly women will relate to something in this rant, “You Are Enough!!!!” Don’t let anyone’s judgments, philosophical or religious beliefs, their own lack of self-worth, break you down or make you feel less worthy.
You are worthy. And You Are ABSOLUTELY ENOUGH.
It took being accepted into the masters’ program to help me understand that all the self-doubt I have dealt with my whole life was for naught. I am the same person I was 50 years ago, only wiser, with more accomplishments that have taken a life time to accrue. But my mind is the same. My soul and spirit are the same. I was worthy and enough then. And I’m worthy and enough now.
As I type this, the rain has subsided and the sun is filtering through the clouds. A murder of crows has settled in the front yard, outside the window where my desk is located. They are cawing and squawking as they munch on the grapes I put out for them last night.
It’s a Crow Party, and we are celebrating Me as the sun settles softly all around us.